Oregon Winter

 {View from my window}

I just returned from a weekend in Sacramento and San Francisco where the weather was perfectly chilly, sunny, and breezy.  Yet, prior to my flight to nor-cal, I experienced two snowy days in Oregon where I’m sure that I’m the only one who initially stared out the window in fear about having to commute in the snow.  I’ve grown accustomed to texting fellow residents for driving tips and religiously checking weather.com to ensure I can tackle the snowy roads without problem, but have decided that instead of being constantly worried, I’m going to savor and enjoy the rest of my second Winter in Oregon no matter how snowy, icy, or rainy the weather may be. 

{Is it nerdy that this pic reminds me of  bronchioles?}

Letting Go

When a stable patient suddenly feels depressed and can’t pinpoint a stressor, I sometimes ask if a loved one passed away around that time of year.  After pausing for moments to think, oftentimes the answer is “yes.” 

I had a rough week that I initially attributed to having a heavy workload, but realized that the theme I struggled with the most was death and grief.  I felt sad to hear news that one of my patients died and grew frustrated each time I heard the word “suicidal.”  I’m normally diligent and confident in managing my patients, but my emotions overwhelmed me.

Nine years ago, my grandfather passed away.  I regularly blame myself for not attending his funeral in the Philippines because right before he died, he asked that I stay home, focus on my studies, and make him proud by becoming a doctor.  I live with regret, but recognize that I’ll keep struggling around this time of year until I learn to forgive myself and accept that my grandfather is gone.

Organizing Thoughts

After returning from a child psychiatry conference in LA, I had a busy week adjusting to a new work schedule and became overwhelmingly anxious trying to multitask solving patients’ problems and my growing list of “things to do.”  Last night I realized that if I had a patient with a similar situation, I’d tell them to write an actual list of “things to do” (I tend to to be lazy to write lists and instead take “mental notes” which clearly didn’t work for me last week) and rank them in terms of priority.  I wrote a list this morning and already checked off two items (change my tires, drop off dry cleaning) and up next includes laundry and cleaning my messy apartment.  Lists should also include relaxing, rewarding activities as well (balance is key!), so after cleaning I’m off to a pedicure party and dinner with girlfriends.  I’m looking forward to tackling the upcoming work week already.

Here are some pics from my most recent trip to LA:

{Liquid Nitrogen Caipirinha at The Bazaar}

{liquid olives–I”ll never think of an olive the same way again}

{an amazing $8 cup of tea} 

{dessert display at the SLS Beverly Hills} 

{Rodeo Drive at night}

 

New Year’s Resolutions

I spent New Year’s weekend in Los Angeles and had a perfect, relaxing New Year’s eve at home and away from fixe prixe restaurants and nightclubs (I truly believe Oregon life has changed me).  I initially told myself that I wouldn’t create resolutions for the new year, but later sided with tradition and the need for goals to strive towards personal improvement.  Here are a few from my list:

1.  Make daily efforts to de-clutter my apartment.

2.  Master techniques using my D-SLR.

3.  Spend less time vegging on the couch watching tv after work.

4.  Write blog posts more frequently.

{Santa Monica sunset}

1.5 Years

2010 proved to be a remarkable year for me.  I’ve transformed from a former struggling medical student (constantly questioning my career choice with each brutal beating from complicated exams, all-nighters, and Attendings pimping me to the point of ridicule) into a now PGY-3 (Postgraduate year) making medical decisions on my own and witnessing the positive impact I can have on patients’ lives.  And, after 1.5 years of living here, I can admit that Oregon is truly growing on me (which I never thought I’d say, but who wouldn’t appreciate smog-free skies, environmental-friendliness, genuinely friendly people, traffic-free roads, abundant green landscapes, etc).  I’m thankful for the lessons learned in 2010 and can’t wait for the experiences to come in 2011.  One and a half years of residency left to go!

Meaning of a Pomegranate

{Pomegranates growing in my parents’ backyard}

This year marked the first Thanksgiving spent in my family’s new house, which I feared might be a sad experience  since I knew how much my family loved our previous home.   As soon as I walked through the door, I immediately felt a sense of comfort walking into a wide, gorgeous space that had astonishing similarities to our last home.  Even more comforting was seeing my entire family together smiling and laughing with no visible signs of the overwhelming stress that took place just weeks before the holiday.  Yet, what struck me the most about this house was discovering a pomegranate tree in the backyard.  At that moment, I immediately recalled fond childhood memories of picking and eating pomegranates from the tree my grandfather planted in my parents’ first home.  It’s one of the fruit trees my grandfather meticulously cared for, and to me, represents regeneration, strength, and growth.  Not only did I feel thankful for spending a momentous weekend with family, but also for being reminded of my grandfather watching over us.

Back to Work

After returning from a week-long vacation, I dreaded the pile of catch-up work and voicemails waiting for my much-needed attention.  I assumed that I’d be in vacation-mode and perform sluggishly on my first day back, but surprised myself at how easily I resumed my normal routine.  Even more surprising was noticing the level of comfort I had while interacting with new patients whereas in the past I’d be concerned about whether or not my patients would feel connected to me or question my knowledge being a mere resident instead of a full-fledged Psychiatrist.  One word to describe this new-found feeling? — Confidence.  Confidence may come easily for some, but for me (and most, I assume), it required self-evaluation and rising after feelings of inadequacy and failure.  Once that feeling is obtained, savor the moment the way you savor a great vacation.